Mamma

Why this? I lost my Mom when I was 8 years old. She had cancer which was diagnosed at a very late stage. Chemotherapy, radiation everything was just too late. Within 6 months of being diagnosed I lost her. I never told her how much I love her when I had her, and I regret that every day of my life

I miss you Maa. We fought. I thought I hated you. I always said I loved Baba more. Why did I? I know you are always there with me, beside me, laughing with me, crying with me, wondering why I do what I do. I so wish I could talk to you. There's so much to tell. Why dint we speak when you were there? I knew what death was. Why dint I realize how precious you were? Drops of tears fall down my face which has no expression. When my friends fight with their moms, I so hate them for it. How can I let them know what they have without seeming piteous? I dont want their pity. I want you. I could hug you till my arms fall off. I miss us so much. Won't you scold me? Won't you tell me to do better? They say life goes on. It doesn't. It stopped for me when it stopped for you. They say things happen for the good, there's always a way out. Why do they lie? Why wont you come back to me? What can I do to set things right? I love you Mamma. You always are for me, always will be. I can't think of you in the past. I can't.

The question isn't, "Why did you?" It is "Why did I let you?"

Why this? I have been wanting to blog since like forever. One fine day/night I realized this guy I liked was taking me for a ride, and he had been doing this for close to 6 years now - on & off! This day I realized what a loser I was being crying incessantly for myself, blaming him. I blogged and from that day  I have not shed a tear for him. Yup, this description came in much later. So here's to venting your anger in a positive, productive way...

Black.

Blank.

No questions. I don't want an explanation. Do I hate myself? Why did I? I knew all along that it was nothing to you. I was just there to wipe your tears and help you feel better. Then why do I ache now for all of this? I love myself so much, then why did I let this go on? I have this dull ache in the pits of my stomach which I know has no cure, it'll just fade with time. The scars will remain in my mind to darken and taunt me on days when nothing seems right. I am alone, I despair with each passing day. I wander. I search with my eyes in the corner of a dark black room. I know not what I want. I dare not want what I want. I am scared to speak. Would you hate me more than you already do. I know I love you not. But I dint deserve what happened too. I seek thee love. I seek thee words. I seek thee assurance that everything's fine though I know you close your eyes when you say this. Will tomorrow be better? Will I learn better? Euphemism sounds like such a glamorous word. That is what it is. Will the pricks of a thousand needles distract me enough to forget what has happened for a while? You'll never hurt the way I do. That's coz you never gave the way I did.