What do I want in my Guy?

 Ron, my cousin has been my champion, and also my sound board dealing with the aftermath of every failed attempt at finding my "someone."

"Every woman has the exact love life she wants." Sounds familiar? It's a dialogue from the movie, "The Wedding Date." It has been quoted to me by friends so many times. I did not understand why they would keep telling me this every time I went through a heart break. It seemed mean and petty. 

I have also been told the power of positive thinking. Of telling the universe what you want, exactly how you want it. It has worked magic for me in so many aspects, except when it comes to relationships. I have always wanted passion, and excitement, and deep conversations, and magic. I have gotten all of this. It has not been enough.

I want someone who gets that I am not perfect. I want someone who makes me glow. I want someone who makes me feel safe. I want someone who's moves and words I am not second guessing. I want someone who understands my questions are to not put him in a spot, but to work towards understanding him better. I want someone who makes plans with me. I want someone who wants to be involved in my plans. I want someone who gets that I can be intense at times. I want someone who is okay showing his vulnerabilities and does not balk when I show him mine. I want someone who wants to work through and not take us for granted.  

Dadu

The other day, I sent a picture of an empty bench to my cousin with a  question asking her if she had the chance to speak to someone uninterrupted for an hour who would that person be. Her instant reply was Dadu. The name Dadu filled me with this insane feeling of happiness and a nostalgic smile came on my face. Dadu was our favorite person ever. Dadu is my paternal grandfather.
We would go visiting my grandfather every summer. The trip from Bhubaneshwer station to our house had my heart thudding with anticipation of a summer full of great adventures. 

Dadu made us all feel special catering to all our shenanigans and being wholly a conspirator in creating ruckus. I was a teenager, and wanted to try everything beauty related. Believe it or not, my first jar of cold wax was bought for me by my grandfather. He would get me creams, and powders and call me his dear Cleopatra. Dadu and I would sneak away to have roadside snacks under the pretext of buying groceries, and come back home with such satisfied bellies and smiles, that the women of the house would grumble. Dadu would take me to the roadside vendor and get me chaat/rasmalai/kachuri/khaja/jalebi. He also made sure that the fridge had a bottle of Coca-cola before I could come home for vacation. 

These are a few of my favorite things

 Oct 1, 2020

Bestie & I are on a video call. He is on vacation and is now cooped up at his hotel coz there is nothing better for him to do. We live on other ends of the world. Its 12:30 AM his time, and 10 AM my time. He is bored out of his wits. So we booped each other over the call a couple of times. All's well in the world now, and he decided to go sleep and started my work day with a smile!

Lost in love

I lost you coz I fell in love with you.

Rendezvouz

They checked into a B&B and entered the room talking about the weather and the journey. She set her bag on the floor and walked towards the window talking to him about how nice the room was. She turned to see him leaning against the table looking at her walk around. His hands were on either side of him clutching the rim of the table. His lips looked terse, and his hazel eyes had started to turn darker by the moment. She remembered how she loved how she could predict his mood with the change in his eye color. They looked at each other not knowing if it was a couple of seconds, or minutes, or more. Their memories of each other and what they used to be together was clouded by all the randomness and sequences which had torn them apart. A few collected memories and a solid wall of growing apart alone, had made them strangers to each other. She knew she had been waiting for this moment from the last time they'd seen each other a decade ago. As few and long as their conversations had been for the past 10 years, he was today more of a stranger to her than ever. She couldn't recognize him from the lover who had held her naked in her arms and kissed her lips till she couldn't feel them anymore. She didn't know she was walking towards him till she was about a feet away and could hear his heavy breathing. She thought if her heart beat any harder it would burst, and the imagination of a bloody bursting heart in such a situation wanted to make her giggle, but she couldn't. She had this quaint habit of easing a tense situation by making absurd comments, but today she couldn't put her thoughts together to make any quip or comment. His long legs were slightly apart as he rested on the edge of the table. He neither moved towards her nor away. He looked both strong as a pillar and as frightened as a deer caught in the beam of a car's headlights. He had been dreading this moment with all his might, and had tried staying away from being so vulnerable for as long as he could remember. She didn't know if the passion and madness she had experienced with him was real or made up in her mind while she tossed on her lonely bed through all those nights alone. She was finally standing so close to him, that she couldn't differentiate between the sound of his heartbeat and hers. She put her hands on his shoulders, and heard him catch his breath. She was scared he would push her away if she made any wrong move. She would give an arm and leg to know what thoughts went through that mind of his. She was now standing so close to him that both of them had to strain to keep their eyes on each other and not squint because of the proximity. She liked how strong his shoulders felt through his shirt and how hard his chest felt against her. She touched the pulse on his throat with her thumb and was fascinated by the color of his nerve against his pale skin. To be finally able to touch him, gave her a high, no amount of liquor or substance had ever given her. She leaned into smell his fragrance and a sigh escaped her lips. He heard her whisper how much she had missed his smell and how intoxicating it was to be so close to him again. He was powerless and couldn't fathom the control he felt slipping away from him. He'd never seen her be so confident and direct in her approach. She was not the girl he had left behind, when he had gone to conquer the demons of his existence; the demons that still existed and jeered him whenever he thought of being whole again. These demons had been tearing through him and had made him a victim to their whims and fancies. He held every fragment of his sanity by the most flimsiest of a container. She knew he had his battle scars that were still raw and fresh. The ones she had scarred him with, by not holding his hand as she had once promised she would, in spite of any adversary. They had both failed each other, and neither knew who was the bigger culprit. They had both kept reality at bay from their bubble years ago. That bubble had burst with the loudest pop and the sound still resonated in both their heads. She touched his strong jawline with her index finger and saw how it trailed a path to his chin and stopped there. She knew not how to look into his eyes, because she knew that if she looked she would lose all control and wasn't ready for that yet. She concentrated on his lips and how sharp his nose was. He really looked like a Greek God, and the years apart had made him more handsome, as if that was possible. How could someone so good looking become more good looking? She had always been insecure of her simple looks compared to his Adonis looks. He had had a wandering eye, and she could never understand how he had chosen to be with her all those years back. She still didn't dare to look into his eyes, and had no idea what he was seeing or thinking. She hoped he would continue to stay still, so she could etch every detail of his being into herself. She couldn't believe she had been given a second chance to be with him. She now put a hand over his chest to feel his thudding heart and into her soul. Being with him had always been something out of a movie, something make-believe. She touched his lips with the tip of her tongue, and felt the taste of him finally. It was her undoing. She could no longer be the smart alec, overtly assertive woman she'd become and not realizing started crying softly. Her body shook slightly and then uncontrollably as the long pent myriad of emotions took over any singular thought. He finally let go of the table and held her in his arms as they both let go of all anger, frustration, sadness, and pain in that embrace. He smelled like being home. 

The Bhudum bhudum Bhdush of their lives...

She: His eyes are beautiful. They say so much yet I have so many questions unanswered. I thought I knew him so well, then why the curiosity? He is perfect in so many ways and yet so not right. We laugh so much! We can laugh on everything. It's amazing how we can talk through anything. Yeah, I know he says that I talk too much, but words are all I have. I wish he would speak more, it's so difficult to know what he is really thinking. Can I trust what he says? Both of us know that this is such a momentary thing, we hope it is. I hope when this is all passe I can still be to him what I used to be...

I wake up everyday with a smile. Every call, every message makes my heart beat faster. One word from you, and I smile for hours together at nothing and everything. You make me feel so special - so alive. I wanna tell you everything, wanna know what you have to say, wanna share everything with you. I know I’m gonna stuck on you like forever, I just don’t care. I think you are worth every bit of what comes after. You make me blush with your silliest of comments. You make me smile with your mildest of jokes. You make me feel like a woman. You promise me the world when you look into my eyes, and trust me baby, that’s enough. These moments that you and I have now are gonna last me a lifetime and I know I wouldn’t ever regret these days. I will forever be happy that I got to know you the way I do now, and if we ever share a lifetime ever again, trust me I’d never let you go ☺

One afternoon, that's all it took to change things that were there and yet not there for so many years...

He: This should never have happened. But it was so great.
I keep telling myself to forget it. But it was so great.
I will, for a long time be stuck in that day. It will be, thanks to her, a memory, so great.

I have liked her, loved her, hated her. We moved on to be together.
We hung out, we talked, we fought. We moved on to be together.
Why now when I must move on, I can't? Yet, thanks to her, we are still together...

I like your eyes
I like your smile,
I like your lips,
Oh, come on! Everyone writes the same lines. But to heck with what others wrote. I like you and I'm going to write what I feel when I see you, or when I don't.
Baby, I like your eyes. I love looking into your beautiful eyes. They make my heart beat faster.
I like your smile. I love to kiss you when you smile. It makes my heart beat louder.
This is weird. I'm going crazy, whenever I see you and when I cannot see you. What have you done to me. The last few weeks have been great to me and I will remember these days forever. I cannot put it in words how I feel when you tell me things like you miss me, you want me, you want to see me. I want to date you. I want to go out with you. I want to dance with you. I want to hold hands and walk long distances. I want to take you to places you want to see. I want to laugh with you. I want to go on long drives when it rains.

Make-up's after break-up's are the best. I guess that's why they fight so often...

She: I want to be angry with you. I hate it that nowadays I can't stay mad at you for long.

He: We can't be mad at each other now for long, 'coz we seem to be mad about each other now!

Summer Showers

She: Baby, it's raining...

He: Would be aweosme to sit on the roof and kiss, walk together slowly along with the breeze, touch gently, let my shoulder graze against yours, hold hands, see the wind blow your hair onto your face, look into your eyes... aahh the weather.. killer weather...

Bad Bad Bad Me

Why this: I'd received an email on some 'Life Book points on Heath, personality, Community and Life...blah blah' and that got me thinking, and this is what I found as my 'developmental traits'. I also realized something that I mentioned at the end of the post. Feel free to comment as you're the ones most affected by my precociousness, and lemme know what dya think in the end?

These are some of my vices and possible cures/reasons/whatever

• Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
• Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
• Don't over do; keep your limits
• Don't take yourself so seriously; no one else does
• Don't waste your precious energy on gossip
• Dream more while you are awake
• Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
• Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
• Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
• Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present
• No one is in charge of your happiness except you
• Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.
• Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
• Smile and laugh more
• You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

If I get rid of 'em, will I still be ME?

June and Kyle

Why This? Been wanting to write a short story long? Dunno how it's gonna pan out. I got my title, I got my characters, I got my plot, I need to get the perseverance. I love how blogging brings out more than 4 letter words in my vocabulary. Anyways, so this is the 1st part of a never-ending saga...

It was June's first day at her new college. She had made a couple of new friends and everyone seemed very friendly. She wanted to maintain as low a profile as possible. Too many things had happened in her past and she wanted to be rid of those horrid memories. She shuddered every time she thought of it and just prayed people here would never get to know of all those bad things. She covered her head and tried making as little eye contact as possible with people. It so wasn't in her nature to be so meek. But, she dint know what else to do. For someone who was a tomboy and who lived for challenges and adventures this new way of life was awkward and confusing. Worse was she had to live like a refugee even though she hadn't done anything wrong. She cursed her impulsiveness and reckless behavior coz of which she had brought all this upon herself!

So anyways here she was in a brand new college, which wasn't as impressive as her previous one nor were the kids rich and spoilt and nor were the teachers interested in any of the students. She thought she'd blend in with the rest of them and over time be one of them, hopefully.

But human behavior is predictable if not anything. She loved learning new things and answering the lecturer's questions. She liked asking questions and being on top of everything. She dint realize this was not helping her in any way in being the mouse she was so hard trying to be. 'Aww hell' she thought. The urge to speak her mind out was too strong. People did start noticing her. But there was a difference. Previously where people thought she was showing off, here people respected and admired her for her attitude. People here were nicer.